Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
