there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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