Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
