tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
