Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
