I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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