Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Ketchup is God's man juice
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
