I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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