Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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