My room smells like vodka and shame
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
