And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
