Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
