guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
