Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
