you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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