Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
