im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
