I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
