A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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