i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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