My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
