Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize
