I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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