on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
