Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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