3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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