I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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