I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
