im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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