You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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