do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
