Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
this boner is exhausting
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
