At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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