i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
