Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
