he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
