I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
