I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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