Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
