The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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