Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
