I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
