The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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