i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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