my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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