Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
