She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
