apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
