Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
