Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
